Promises

Letters to My Adult Children: On Blame & Privilege & Seeking the Best

There is an interconnectedness to life, to be sure. I believe we have eternity to figure out Chaos Theory and we still won't be done. The whole concept of it boggles my mind. Ultimately, it argues that I cannot help but be affected by the choices and actions of others. Knowing this to be true, most of the time we try not to be assholes. We try to do right by others. I hope that is one of the lessons you learned from your Mom and me very early on. The most famous but, less clear version of this reads, "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you." 

I know that my choices, when you were young, to betray your Mom and you, still have profound impacts on how you navigate life. But, please hear me. In the same way that I cannot use the fact that my mother sexually abused me to excuse my rancid, narcissistic choices that hurt you; you will be wrong if you choose to use my choices -- that did very real damage to you -- to excuse any poor choices you make in life. They are your choices. 

You see, a lack of privilege is never an excuse. In fairness, there are multiple kinds of privilege. There is "personal privilege." For example, people who were not sexually abused by their primary attachment figures have privilege that I'll never know. People who were not ripped from all that they knew culturally and were transplanted as toddlers into a culture that was foreign and confusing for them, have privilege that I and nearly every third culture kid will never understand. Conversely, as a 6'3" tall, not-ugly man, I have privilege that a 5'4" man or an unattractive and unintelligent man will never know. 

Though the lines are blurry, there is also "systemic privilege" Systemic privilege is privilege which is systematized. Men have privilege over women in our culture. We live in a patriarchal society. It is hard to deny this simple fact. Some of this is strictly biological. Men tend to be physically stronger than women. There are things we can lift, reach, carry, haul, and move that women simply can't. We are physically more intimidating than women. Probably because of the physical strength differential, men have subjugated women throughout history. This is systemic privilege. Other examples of privilege are race, sexuality, and economic privilege. Let's briefly acknowledge the historical reality of each:

• Race -- The subjugation of Black people is not news. Europeans bought slaves from African slave traders, imported them, and used them to create wealth for themselves. Those Europeans passed their ill-begotten wealth onto us, their descendants. The generation that immediately proceeded mine then passed Jim Crow laws that made it next to impossible for the black community to gain an economic foothold. They did this to protect us -- their children -- from being threatened by those that their parents had enslaved. Later, we legalized abortion, placing abortion clinics in black communities, and convincing the black community that they would be better off if they killed their children. Despite any arguments to the contrary, abortion was born in racist ideology and eugenics philosophy. Finally, we created a drug war that was designed to imprison black men and steal fathers from their children. The drug war allowed a prison industry to develop where white people got rich by imprisoning their black neighbors, all for victimless crimes. There is no way anyone can deny the historical systemic racist policies we legalized and institutionalized. I have not included the fact that we excluded black men who fought and died in our country's wars from the GI Bill and housing programs or the redlining practices that stopped blacks from buying properties they wanted and which allowed banks to charge them higher interest rates on any loans they took out. I also didn't include stories of how we simply killed successful black communities. Our nation institutionalized racism. This is systemic racism.
• Sexual Identity -- A homosexual lifestyle was outlawed in many states until well into the 2nd half of the 20th century. Indeed, homosexuality was listed in the Diagnostics and Statistics Manual as a pathology until the mid-1970s. People could be fired for or not hired for jobs simply because they had a same-sex attraction. The system was rigged against them. This is a systemic privilege. Straight people didn't have to worry about being fired for liking members of the opposite sex and men typically didn't have to worry about philandering costing them their jobs. Women did, however. The system's and culture's rules were stacked against the homosexual community
• Economic Privilege -- OJ Simpson was found not guilty because he was wealthy and was able to use his wealth to work the system. Harvey Weinstein and Jeffrey Epstein walked around as free men even though they were clearly sexual predators and needed to be imprisoned, simply because they had money. Lori Laughlin received a much lighter sentence than someone without means would receive for the same crime. Money gets people out of trouble and ostensibly is a license to break the law. Money buys access to politicians. Money can create wars and blackmail communities. This is perhaps the biggest area of systemic injustice in America. Justice is supposedly blind, but the wealthy always figure out how to tip the scale. The law is not upheld equally. This is systemic privilege.

I point these out because there is injustice in the system. Not everyone starts at the same place in this race we call life. This is not in question. You have certain advantages being born to your Mom and me, growing up in a home where you knew you were loved and both of us were involved in your life. You didn't face economic hardship, but neither were you handed everything on a silver platter. You also had disadvantages: Your Mother and I divorced. For the first years of your life, I was caught in active behavioral addiction. 

As you move into life, you have choices. You can blame me (or some other outside factor) for your struggles, "My Da was an addict! What do you expect!" Or, you can acknowledge the reality that you are the child of an addict, take appropriate cautions, and move on with your life to make up for the deficiencies I gave you. You are not limited by my choices. You are only limited by the choices you make in response to those choices. I believe strongly that you actually have a leg up because you grew up in a recovery home where you were taught a new way to live that other kids didn't have access to. You learned about acceptance and the importance of honesty. Those are items of privilege that I gave you that remain hidden from typical lists of what privilege is. We were able to have and are still able to have conversations that other families only dream of. That is the best kind of privilege.

Critical Theory argues that all of life is about power. Power = privilege. Critical theorists argue that there will always be a struggle for power between the privileged and those without privilege. The trouble with the theory as Woody Allen pointed out in his 1973 comedy, Sleeper is that as soon as power is achieved by those without it, there will be a new struggle between the newly disenfranchised and the newly powerful. Critical Theory ultimately makes power into a "need." I don't think it could be any more wrong. We don't need power to achieve what we truly want. We need connection, and connection often requires us to give up our power to maintain a connection to the other whom we love. Only when we get this paradoxical truth will we truly find that which we truly seek. 

Sheryl Crow wrote, "It's not having what you want; it's wanting what you have." ("Soak up the Sun," C'mon, C'mon, 2002). And, in the end, that is what I pray for you: contentedness-or peace (knowing it's all good and being able to rest); joy (knowing its all good and having the ability to enjoy it with others); love (a long-term connection to another where you are understood, accepted, and desired, and where you return the same); and, hope (knowing in the depths of your soul that you and the ones you love are gonna be ok in the end).

You can't get there if you blame life, others, God, or the universe for the state of your life. You can't get there if you view life through a comparative lens of what others have vs what you have. You can't get there if you give your power away and assume that you can't have what you really want. 

Ultimately, Please don't seek the lesser goods: power, being right, control, material possessions, privilege. Rather, seek the great: Peace, joy, love, and hope. When you find them, you will end life complete, whole, and satisfied.

Letters to My Adult Children: Miscellaneous Ramblings - If I am Disturbed... April 2020

Remember the three-legged stool I taught you? I learned those legs in 12-step recovery - not grad school. One of the three legs is: "If I am disturbed, the problem is in me." This letter is about this truism.

I imagine in a different era and if you were different ages Mary Jane and Brad would be Aunt MJ & Uncle Brad. They are really good friends to Pabs and me. One day Mary Jane and I were talking about the evolution of our therapists' guild and the devolution of our school.

The Seattle School taught me so much: The idea of the I/Thou relationship, Esther Meeks' covenant epistemology, a possible understanding (which has become my understanding) of how the mind works, all about shame, the difference between niceness and kindness, a new Biblical theology, a fleshed-out theology of freedom, the concept of "And" instead of "But," a theology of Holy Saturday, a fleshed-out theology of the Imago Dei, attachment theory, play therapy and the importance of play, and that I need to create space for intersections of thoughts and ideas to become more fully engaged (I learned as an undergrad that ideas of consequences). 

As Mary Jane and I compared notes about our alma mater and the state of our guild (The ACA), she was not surprised/surprised to learn that our grad school was not welcoming to "non-progressive" thinkers; and that there was an underground of students that learned to simply keep our mouths shut in order not to be ostracized, labeled, called names and attacked by other students. One would think that Esther Meeks' ideas would stop some of the blatant condemnation that marks so much of the intercourse surrounding how one approaches life, and indeed I think it did mitigate some of the fallout. But, it certainly didn't stop the prejudice.

I want to be very careful because while I was there, the faculty and administration were rarely condemning of other voices and ideas. The condemnation was primarily limited to the student body. And, to this day, I do not know of a school that teaches counseling/psychology where it is possible to get the level of instruction I received and not have to face a progressive fundamentalist epistemology of black and white thinking that effectively destroys dialogue with other ideologies and perspectives. The idea of holding the "&" is an ideal that I was taught at The Seattle School. And, yet, while the Seattle School holds it as well as any counseling grad school you can name -- it still fails miserably. Institutions are rarely perfect. 

But beyond that, Mary Jane stated that our therapists' guild is losing our way and we are becoming social workers. We are not helping people change, adapt, and become more resilient (a traditional role of a therapist), as much as we are pointing out and working to change the injurious system (the traditional role of a social worker). This is important because injustice will always surround us, no matter the ideological system we create. Woody Allen pointed this out admirably in his movie, "Sleeper."

The Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous tells the story of a doctor who knew that the problem was always, "out there." He believed if only the world would be fixed, he'd be OK. He learned in AA that such a belief is errant. If "the problem" is "out there," individuals give away their power to find joy and peace. This is why AA teaches its members the serenity prayer, "God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I can't change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference." Only by understanding what we can and cannot change can we begin to find peace.

We can only change ourselves. We can't change others. We can't lay our hope in systems changing in order for justice to run down and people to find wholeness. Wholeness is not found in external sources. Wholeness is discovered when we can assimilate the exiled parts of ourselves, which we want to ignore, and "re-member" them differently, interact with them compassionately and become whole instead of remaining fragmented and broken. Shit guys, whole books could be written fleshing out this paragraph! I guess that is why I went to grad school; in order to begin to embody the truths I just articulated and help others do so. This is why I am a therapist and a rebel for love

 

Sex addiction recovery at its worst

When twelve step groups aren’t safe, what is? I’m angry and sad, and I don’t know what to do with my emotions. Since it is unsafe for me to carry them alone, I decided to write about it. Maybe it might do some good out here.

I just talked to a good friend who has historically struggled with sexual addiction. I called him because I heard he was back in the quicksand. As we talked, I heard part of the story I wish weren’t true. (Well, actually I wish none of the story was true, but it all is.)

In late summer, in the midst of some profound struggles and poor choices, he went to his sponsor to get some help. His sponsor felt incapable of “holding” his travails without putting his own sexual sobriety into jeopardy. So he “fired” my friend. My friend still hasn’t recovered. The actions of his sponsor sunk him even deeper into the cesspool of his challenged and warped perceptions.

In sexual addiction twelve step groups, members talk about their own sobriety being a priority. Newbies are encouraged by “old timers” to get rid of anything that gets in the way of staying sober (In SA that means "no sex with self or anyone other than a spouse"). New sponsors are encouraged to sponsor only insofar that their sponsoring another helps them stay sober-- not their sponsee. It is acknowledged that recovery is a selfish program.  This makes sense, if one’s life depends on sobriety (and for sex addicts it does) everyone needs to be cautious in holding or engaging things that may trigger their own personal demons to have authority in their lives once more.

The reality of what I just wrote leaves me wondering about my friend and recovery. Sexual recovery groups have power because members love one another not in spite of but because of their weaknesses – “It feels so good to know I am not the only one that struggles that way. I have someone to walk with who understands.” When groups can’t live out love, they fail in their purpose, laid out for them in the traditions: “Each group has but one primary purpose to carry its message to the sex addict that still suffers.”

Indeed, this should be the wonder of recovery(and I know I am “shoulding” on twelve step groups here): While a lone addict alone can’t make it. Together, they can. While one addict alone can’t contain and hold another addict's struggle, the community can. Together they are capable of far more than they think is possible. The majestic wonder here is that accepted weakness makes both the group and the individual stronger than they could possibly imagine so long as they walk together.

I just wish they had realized this in time to practice the twelfth step with my friend. He is in a world of hurt, and though he alone is responsible for his own choices and actions, the group must bear much of the responsibility for his current brokenness. I don't know if he will make it back from this one. It may be too late. I have to leave him in my heavenly Father's care (and that is easier said than done.)

I am angry that the system failed him. Though I want to blame his sponsor, I can’t. If I blame anyone, I blame his sponsor’s sponsor. He is the one who encouraged his sponsor to dump him (However, I want to fight this finger pointing tendency as I don’t think it is helpful at all). Whatever conclusions one reaches, it is a sad day for the recovery world, and an even sadder one for my friend, his wife and children. 

The calling to the work I do now

Listen to me, you coastlands!
Pay attention, you people who live far away!
The Lord summoned me from birth;
he commissioned me when my mother brought me into the world.
He made my mouth like a sharp sword,
he hid me in the hollow of his hand;
he made me like a sharpened arrow,
he hid me in his quiver.
He said to me, “You are my servant,
Israel, through whom I will reveal my splendor.”
But I thought, “I have worked in vain;
I have expended my energy for absolutely nothing.”
But the Lord will vindicate me;
my God will reward me.
So now the Lord says,
the one who formed me from birth to be his servant—
he did this to restore Jacob to himself,
so that Israel might be gathered to him;
and I will be honored in the Lord’s sight,
for my God is my source of strength—
he says, “Is it too insignificant a task for you to be my servant,
to reestablish the tribes of Jacob,
and restore the remnant of Israel?
I will make you a light to the nations,
so you can bring my deliverance to the remote regions of the earth.” Is 49.1-6 NET

Leighton gave these words from Isaiah to a few of us over twenty years ago. He keyed on the words which in the NIV read, “It is too small a thing…” asking us, pleading with us not to be about "too small a thing". I like the way the NET translates it, “It is too insignificant a task…” They are remarkable words. Think about the task he labeled "too insignificant..." it was bigger than him. It was bigger than he capabilities and perhaps even his wildest dreams – to restore Israel to its place, bringing back the exiles and giving them their promised glory. And that wild dream, was too small, or too insignificant a thing.

Those words stay with us. We pass them on often. And I know that they came to the forefront of my thinking recently. Dan called us to something simliar in our class entitled, "Faith, Hope and Love" last term. "If we can achieve it ourselves, it is not truly hope."

I received an email from the Dean of Students last term at a point where things were starting to get a bit dicey emotionally, financially, etc… He asked to get together. Because I commute from Portland, it didn’t happen until a couple of weeks ago.

Now, at The Seattle School, the Dean of students, who looks like the fifth member of Nirvana, is the student body's friend. He is our pastor, and he not only epitomizes love, he epitomizes Pacific Northwest cool. Did I mention he has a huge capacity to love?

After I left his office, running to get to my theology course (well walking quickly down the stairs), I began the process of unpacking our conversation which had been a conversation about my place and calling in the world, and my place and calling at The Seattle School.

I pastor pastors. It is what I do because God called me to it. He called me to it because of where I have been, what I've done, and what has been doone to me. The further I get into my course of study the more amazed I become at how God set me up for this. Not manipulated into it, but created for it. He allowed me to make all the mistakes I needed to make, and experience all the pain that I needed to experience in order to be the person I am supposed to be in this moment I find myself.

For the time being my job at Clergy Recovery Network is to get my support in, to support Dale Woolery– the Founder -- to the best of my ability, and take on a very light load of pastors in crisis, to help them through at least until they can see some glimmers of light. It is also to do the work of a good student.

For, you see, helping pastors and their families through crisis is a noble and wonderful thing, but it is also too small a thing. The church is broken in so many ways, and as a result, it often hurts people it wants to love. It often turns people away from the One it wants to call them to. And it has become a corporation that more often than not, views authority as James and John (see Mark 10) rather than the views of Jesus whom they were following.

In my current situation, the church that I am more often than not likely to call home, is living out its own sin now.The sin has always been there it is in DNA that I passed onto them, and another pastor grew in them. Now it is simply killing my friends’ souls. In the midst of there slow, unknowing dying I am called to love them even as they continue in their sinful ways, because that is what Jesus does for me.

That leads me to my work now which preimarily resides at the Seattle School: first, to learn the craft of the counselor (I can deal with addicts and anons in the realm of recovery, and I need to move beyond those simple borders); second, I am reading and preparing to write on ecclesiology in light of the capaciousness of the Triune Godhead and His splendiferous Spirit; and third to piece together some thoughts about pastors, addiction and spiritual abuse. That is my current work at The Seattle School. I can think of no better place to do this work.

In addition, I am already meeting with a former pastor struggling with demons. (Those meetings are off book.) And am looking to start meeting with more as finances allow. If you aren't already, I'd love you to be a part of this. Join me. Join us, and lets change the Church together.

"We will not regret the past, nor wish to shut the door on it" -- Big Book of AA, p 83,

Thirteen years ago I left full-time ministry. I did my darndest to make Jimmy Swaggart look good and did a pretty good job of it. In the process I discovered how the church often treats those who are paid not to sin and do so anyway. It wasn’t a pretty picture. It left me stunned, alone, broken, bereft and afraid.  Though God was never in question, his church certainly was. The gospel was not meant for me. I was a sinner. I had no place among the people of God.I was thrown out. ONe of my staff even wrote me, "I will not go and eat from the pig trough with you."

My story is too familiar to too many pastors and Christian leaders. We often feel like we are in a “no win” situation. The system more often than not works against real authenticity in our lives. We are almost required to keep large portions of our lives hidden. If those hidden things are discovered, in all likelihood we will lose the mechanism that enables us to use our gifts to expand the Kingdom of God. Because of these threats to calling in the Kingdom, we find ourselves lonely and isolated, caught and trapped by a job that we love, to which we are called, and which is slowly costing us our very life.

I betrayed my children's mother. And I was betrayed by a woman I loved and married. I hurt, and was hurt. When I think of God's positioning of me to help others who are hurting, I don't think He could position me any more strategically. One day, sitting on my motorcycle in my driveway, feeling sorry for myself, I realized just how carefully God laid out my story to walk with the betrayer and the betrayed. That is a gift not many know. Walking through the pain of betrayal either as the betrayer or the betrayed hurts. Most of us want a companion on the journey. I can be and want to be that companion now. It is the resurretion life God has given me the opportunity to live.

The Clergy Recovery Network exists to support, encourage and provide resources to Christian Leaders in crisis.  We are a non profit, non-denominational ministry working outside normal institutional structures to provide safety, healing and growth for Christian leaders and their ministries. We do this because current systems are not providing the resources clergy and their congregations need and we long to see the Church a more graceful and honest community.

What Does the Clergy Recovery Network (CRN) Do?

• We mentor ministry professionals and their boards all over the world by “meeting” face to face, on-line via Skype, and on the phone to guide them toward biblical hope, help and healing out of the maze of their secret lives, sin, and deep pain into vibrant connection with their Creator. (Rural and international ministers and ministries use us constantly).
• We offer counseling referral for ministry professionals who need it. Clergy referral is a difficult and challenging endeavor.
• We consult with Christian ministries finding themselves in crisis with one of their leaders.
• We speak at church staff and denomination retreats to prevent the common clergy crises, and help them to create ways to help rather than hurt their hurting clergy.

I am grateful that I get to work with CRN; to share my experience, strength and hope with men and women who are afraid that their faith is dead, and to whom hope is an illusion. I am even more grateful for my story -- a story of the redemptive / resurrection power of God. I am eager to see where this journey takes me and those I will get to walk with.

Living Like Jesus because of the testimony of Bill Wilson

This week, while in school I am staying with some friends I made when I sold them a car over a year ago now. We are all friends of Bill Wilson.

It is wonderful to be so well taken care of. When I arrived at nearly 10pm last night: tired, hungry, and feeling a bit alone, I discovered they had waited dinner on me! They went to the grocery store because I was coming so they would have food and drink that I could share with them. They welcomed me, they fed me, they fellowshipped with me. They treated me the way Jesus wants us to be treated -- the way the church is called to treat one another and the world she inhabits.

There are few in the church that live so faithfully. My friends here in Tacoma follow Christ without the trappings of a "Church". Like my little congregation in Forest Grove follows Christ, they follow Jesus. I am truly blessed to know people that know Bill Wilson and so are trying their damndest to follow Jesus.

Letter 12: On Being a Son and Father

Jesus told a story:

The youngest of two sons went to his Dad and said, “I’m tired of waiting for you to die so I can claim my inheritance. I want it now.” Sorrowfully the man gave his son his portion of the inheritance. The next day the son left his Father and brother and took off to go party in a city far away from his family and its  baggage.

He partied hard, made a lot of poor choices, spending all his money to the point he had to get a job at a pig farm in order to eat. He was so hungry he actually stole food from the pigs to eat for himself.

One day he thought, “Even my Father’s slaves have food to eat and clothes to wear. I’ll go home, beg forgiveness and ask to live as a slave in his house.” And so he headed home.

His Dad saw him has he approached the house because he was out on the road as he always was hoping beyond hope that his second son would come home. When he saw him he lifted his robes and ran down the road to hug him.

The young man fell on his knees as his Dad approached and started in, “Father, I was wrong in my choices, I am not worthy to be called your son anymore, but please let me live in your household as a slave.”

“Hush, Son,” the Father replied, lifting him up. Then he pulled off his ring (probably the family crest ring) and put it on his son’s finger. Called his servants and told them to get the son cleaned up and dressed. Then he ordered them to kill their best cow in order to hold a feast. His son was home!

The older brother had been faithfully working in the fields. When he returned to the house he heard the party and he asked one of the slaves what was going on. The slave responded, “Your brother has come home. Your Dad has killed our best heifer and is throwing a party in his honor.”

The older son was pissed off. He’d stayed at home working to keep the place going while his brother went off and partied. Now he comes back and he gets more than he was already given. It simply wasn’t fair! His Dad came to ask him to come join the party, but he wouldn’t, “I’ve stayed here slaving away for you for all these years while he went to drink and have orgies, now he comes back and you kill our best heifer for him. You wouldn’t even give me a goat so could have a gathering with some of my friends! You gave him all he had coming to him before he left but here you go giving him more. What you are giving him isn’t his! He doesn’t deserve it! I do! It is not fair! And no, damn him, I won’t come in to your guys’ party!”

That is my paraphrase of the story relayed to us in Luke 15, it is true to the original story. It is perhaps my favorite and least favorite story, both at the same time in all of Scripture….
…I was the golden boy growing up. Though I wasn’t the “most loved” I was clearly the most favored. I got the attention. I was the gregarious one. I stole the spotlight. I stole the show. 

GramGee and Papa gave both Timothy and I two very distinct messages: (1) If you put your mind to it, you can do anything you want in this life. (2) Nothing you do will ever be good enough.

Timothy and I went very different directions. He moved away from anything to do with “pastoring,” or “ministry.” I slipped easily into the family business. I hadn’t intended to. I loved history and wanted to teach, probably back in England, but then ended up as a pastor despite my best attempts to do something different.

Early on I created a double life. I created a life that no one knew about. It was a place that I could escape to in order to escape pressure, guilt, fear, etc… It was a fantasy world that slowly grew large enough that it swallowed me whole. It served me early on. It worked. But then, like anything like it, it grew too large and I started serving it, becoming enslaved to it. It began demanding more and more of me and my time. To cover my tracks I learned to lie. I was good at it. They started as small lies but then grew larger and larger.

As I mentioned to you, it was not so much my betrayal of your mother (one of the biggest regrets of my life) as it was my betrayal of God and the people He had asked me to serve – my spiritual abuse – that led me to rehab at a place called Keystone; and it was there at rehab, being tended to by those outside the church ("The Philistines") for wounds caused in part by the church, that I entered into this story for the first time.

My therapist at Keystone gave me a book entitled, Return of the Prodigal, by Henri Nouwen. I was reading it at the time I heard that the treatment center told me that your Mom couldn’t forgive me and that we were indeed heading for divorce. At the same time I realized that to a large degree the church I had served for all those years couldn’t forgive me either. One of my former colleagues, who I still love to this day sent me a note informing me that he refused “to come eat at pig trough with me.” Those betrayals of me hurt, and still do hurt. Too often the "Church" is the older brother inthde story.

Nouwen's book is based upon a painting of the same name by Rembrandt. In it Nouwen opens the story of the Prodigal Son in ways I needed to hear. It is one of the most profound and moving books I have ever read. Sometime, I pray you pick it up and read it, and absorb it.

---------------------------------------------------------------------

In my parallel story, I came home to the open and forgiving arms of Papa, and that was too much for Timothy. He was already moving away from the family caught by similar, though more haunting demons than my own. But Papa’s love for me in spite of everything I had done was too much for my big brother to handle. Meanwhile Papa, ushered me back in. He gave me opportunities to preach and teach again. He introduced me to Brian McClaren and some new thinking that was changing the face of the church.

No one, and I mean no one has ever demonstrated the love of my Heavenly Father the way that Papa did. He was a truly remarkable man. I really do miss him a lot. His gift to me though was a re-introduction to my Heavenly Father.

In all these letters I’ve only begun to set the table for you to understand my world view. In this letter I am trying to build a bridge to what will follow – my hope. My hope is Jesus. I'm looking forward to writing to you about him in my next few letters.

Letter 10: Theology for Beginners -- Some words & What They Mean

So let’s list some words that people use all the time and yet they don’t seem to say much at all.  Maybe that is because they say too much and have lost their meaning. Here is the beginning of a list ( in no particular order): grace, holiness, faith, hope, sin.

Already I’ve used some of these words in the previous letters I’ve written to you. I want to make sure you understand how I use them and how other people tend to use them so you can make up your own minds how you will use them.

Remember how I talked about Brian May and his description of the universe moving away from the center toward outer darkness and isolation (his words not mine)? That, to me is one description of sin. Sin is moving away from God and of necessity becoming more dependent upon only yourself to figure all of life out. As you can see, many people not only embrace such a posture, they train you how you can do it. The ramifications from my belief about sin are too numerous to even begin listing, but the question I ask myself, is “Am I moving away from God and my fellows or toward them with this choice?”

The easiest indicator of sin is relationship. Sin is doing anything that violates relationship either horizontally or vertically. If you were to look at the Ten Commandments (listed in Exodus 20) you would discover that the first four all have to do with our relationship to God and the latter six all have to do with our relationships to people. Later, in the New Testament, Jesus makes the claim that you only have to follow two commandments: “Love God with all your heart, soul, mind and strength; and love your neighbor the same way you love yourself. Into these two commandments all the others fit.”

Most people, when they realize the ramifications of this, hate it. When I get mad at you for something you have done, I often sin as much as you did originally. Often, when Christians get all up in arms about the “sins of the homosexual community” they violate relationships far worse than the homosexuals they are attacking ever did. Similarly, when pro life people yell and scream at women making difficult and heart breaking decisions over abortion they show themselves to be as sinful as the abortionist. There are lots of things Christians label sin and get all up in arms about. Most of the time it is because they don’t want to look at the shit going on in their own lives ; for it is far easier for me to look at your shit than to look at my own. I know you guys get this because you have nearly obtained professional status in your own relationship to each other. You want to look at what the other is doing rather than look at your own stuff.

It is not just the conservatives that are guilty of this. When your former family members call people names and judge the hell out of people who are choosing to live within the establishment, they are just as guilty. When people claim to be tolerant but then blast others they perceive to be intolerant they still violate relationship. When Christians, who believe that abortion is murder are judged for standing up for what they believe to protect life, they are judged. Hate and judgment do not belong exclusively to people on the left or the right. And whenever we hate and/or judge people, we violate relationship.

Remember that violation of relationship is a violation of the very nature of a loving God. Who made us relational, after his own likeness. So let me talk about holiness. The actual word means to be “cut off” or “set apart.” Theologians talk about the “otherness of God” equating with his holiness.

My assumption which grew out of discussions with and reading a theologian named Stanley Grenz (I have nearly everything he published and he is by far and away my favorite theologian.) is that holiness is the quality of relationship experienced within the Triune Godhead. If I am right about that, then our holiness is measured by the quality of our own relationships. Holiness is the opposite of sin. It is the creation of loving relationship which mirrors back to God who he is. I don’t think I can get more succinct than that. It is why no matter what I do I say, “I have one employer, his name is God. I have one job description, and it is to love.” Anything I do in life must fit into this understanding of who God is and who He has created me/us to be.

So holiness is the creation of loving relationship which mirrors back to God who he is and sin is the violation of that relationship. When sin occurs grace is needed. You know I have the tattoo on my chest, “fall into grace,” because this phrase is my understanding of life. Every human violates relationship. All of us betray our fellows and our God. None of us can escape our own selfishness, our own desire to displace and become God. We betray Him and the way we most often do so is through our betrayal of one another.

In short form, grace is choosing to forgive and bless our enemies in order to be holy, like our Creator, rather than demand payment for the betrayals committed against us. I just added another word to our list: “forgiveness.” What is it?

That is a hard question to answer. What does it mean to forgive? Is it pretending that the wrong never existed? No it is not. True forgiveness requires that the betrayal be felt and paid for and then moved past. There is no forgetfulness in forgiveness.

Let me make a radical suggestion. True forgiveness requires death. Let me explain. When you betray me, for there to be forgiveness, the part of me that you betrayed has to die. When you violate our relationship you become a type of murderer. There can be no other outcome. For if I decide to keep that part of me alive that you wronged, I become bitter, resentful and promise that same part of me a slow isolated death, for it will not trust again apart from forgiveness.

As you can see all these ideas are connected and build upon each other. We’re not done talking about them. We are really only just now beginning. More next time.

Letter 9: The Story You've Never Been Told.

The story of Jacob begins in Genesis 25. When you picture the story, picture nomadic tribes with riders who look like middle eastern herdsman. Jacob is the youngest of fraternal twin boys. The author tells us that Jacob was grasping at his brother’s heel when they were born. He wanted to be first even then.

You know that Maggie’s mom, with consultation, named Maggie and with consultation I named Thomas. We picked your names based on different criteria, little thought went into naming you for your personality or having your names match who you are. Such was not the case in the times of Jacob and his older brother Esau. Esau was born with red hair and so his parents gave him the name Esau which meant: “red” or “ruddy." Jacob on the other hand was seen to be a climber – someone who would do anything to get ahead and so they named him Jacob which quite literally means, “manipulator, supplanter, or liar.”

The two boys couldn’t have been more different from each other. Esau was the rugged hunter – the outdoorsman, the man’s man, the leader and surely the best leader of the new family clan. Jacob, on the other hand was a brain. He hung out with his mother and learned to be crafty and controlling.
He learned how to be a master politician, to see the intricacies of tough situations and get ahead in them.  He would have fit well into the cast of Suits.

In their culture the head of the clan would call his children and give his blessing to the next clan leader. Jacob’s mom, Rebekah clearly favored Jacob, while Isaac, their Dad, favored Esau and was planning on passing the blessing onto him. Rebekah, hatched a plot with Jacob to steal the blessing from their Dad.

Isaac was blind. Rebekah dressed Jacob in animal skins so that he would feel like his hairy brother, Esau, had him make his Dad’s favorite stew and take it to him. The ruse worked. While Esau was out hunting to make a meal for his father to receive the blessing, Jacob, dressed in animal skins stole the blessing from his brother.

Brother and father were upset; Esau to the point of wanting to murder his brother. So Jacob, having obtained the blessing escapes to go live with his uncle, Laban up north. He stayed away for 14 years, and though the text doesn’t tell us this for sure, it is all but certain that he lost the opportunity to bury his parents; to say good bye and obtain closure. So although he carried the mantle of the family it was purely symbolic at this point.

Uncle Laban was a bit of a politician too. Jacob fell in love with his youngest daughter, Rachel and Laban tricked him into marrying his older daughter instead. He agreed to work seven years for Laban to marry one daughter, to marry the daughter he loved he had to agree to work another seven years. It appears, from the text that the he didn’t have to wait to marry his second wife, simply agree to work an additional seven years.

Now, can you imagine the family dynamic? One sister knows she wasn’t wanted, the other felt betrayed. The older sister was very fertile and started having kids right away. The younger seemingly couldn’t conceive. Talk about dysfunctional families!  So think about what all this politicking had achieved.

Now Jacob was a shrewd businessman. He cut a deal with Laban that all the spotless sheep in the flocks would be his and all the multi-colored ones would be his. Then he promptly bred the sheep so as many as possible would be his, rather than Laban’s.

Eventually Laban caught on and was pissed. Jacob and the family decided to run. Rachel, the youngest sister, stole her Dad’s idols on the way out, pissing him off even further. He chased after them and caught up to them. Had he discovered them there would have been hell to pay.  Rachel, who was as crafty as Jacob, pretended to be on her period so she wouldn’t have to get up all the while hiding the idols under her skirts. Laban left unable to find that which they had stolen from him, pissed but unable to do anything about it.

Apparently he and his men had just ridden away when Jacob is informed that Esau is riding out with 400 men to right the wrongs of so many years ago. Now we get to the story I really want to tell. It is found in Genesis 32. Jacob had sent his servants ahead to see how things were with his older brother. They returned:

"We met your brother, Esau, and he is already on his way to meet
you—with an army of 400 men!" Jacob was terrified at the news. He divided
his household, along with the flocks and herds and camels, into two groups. He
thought, "If Esau meets one group and attacks it, perhaps the other group
can escape." 

Then Jacob prayed, "O God of my grandfather Abraham, and God of my
father, Isaac—O LORD, you told me, 'Return to your own land and to your
relatives.' And you promised me, 'I will treat you kindly.' I am not worthy of
all the unfailing love and faithfulness you have shown to me, your servant.
When I left home and crossed the Jordan River, I owned nothing except a walking
stick. Now my household fills two large camps! O LORD, please rescue me from
the hand of my brother, Esau. I am afraid that he is coming to attack me, along
with my wives and children.  But you promised me, 'I will surely treat you kindly, and I will multiply your descendants until they become as numerous as the sands along the seashore—too many to count.'" 

Jacob stayed where he was for the night. Then he selected these gifts
from his possessions to present to his brother, Esau: 200 female goats, 20 male
goats, 200 ewes, 20 rams, 30 female camels with their young, 40 cows, 10 bulls,
20 female donkeys, and 10 male donkeys. He divided these animals into herds and
assigned each to different servants. Then he told his servants, "Go ahead
of me with the animals, but keep some distance between the herds." He gave
these instructions to the men leading the first group: "When my brother,
Esau, meets you, he will ask, 'Whose servants are you? Where are you going? Who
owns these animals?'

You must reply, 'They belong to your servant Jacob, but they are a gift
for his master Esau. Look, he is coming right behind us.'" Jacob gave the
same instructions to the second and third herdsmen and to all who followed
behind the herds: "You must say the same thing to Esau when you meet him.
And be sure to say, 'Look, your servant Jacob is right behind us.'" Jacob
thought, "I will try to appease him by sending gifts ahead of me. When I
see him in person, perhaps he will be friendly to me." 

So the gifts were sent on ahead, while Jacob himself spent that night
in the camp. During the night Jacob got up and took his two wives, his two
servant wives, and his eleven sons and crossed the Jabbok River with them.
After taking them to the other side, he sent over all his possessions. 

This left Jacob all alone in the camp, and a man came and wrestled with
him until the dawn began to break. When the man saw that he would not win the
match, he touched Jacob's hip and wrenched it out of its socket. Then the man
said, "Let me go, for the dawn is breaking!" But Jacob said, "I
will not let you go unless you bless me." 

"What is your name?" the man asked. He replied,"Jacob." 

"Your name will no longer be Jacob," the man told him. "From now on you will be called Israel, because you have fought with God and with men and have won." 

"Please tell me your name," Jacob said. "Why do you want to know my name?" the man replied. Then he blessed Jacob there. 

Jacob named the place Peniel (which means "face of God"), for he said, "I have seen God face to face, yet my life has been spared." The sun was rising as Jacob left Peniel, [fn] and he was limping because of the injury to his hip. (Even today the people of Israel don't eat the tendon near the hip socket because of what happened that night when the man strained the tendon of Jacob's hip.) 

This could be my story. Laban just left with his men and Esau is closing with an army. Jacob sends the bribe to Esau, can’t sleep, packs up his family and sends them across the river along with all his possessions. Then we read these words, “This left Jacob all alone….” I don’t care how good you are. I don’t care how talented you are, eventually if you rely on that talent, those looks, those gifts to get you what you want, you will end up all alone.

Remember when I told you about Arrow. The class president, Mike, speaking at our graduation spoke to the rest of us. “Most of us at some point said, ‘God, aren’t you lucky to have me…’”

I know I did. I was good at what I did. I could communicate effectively. I was effective in arguing with people who believed differently from me on the campuses I visited. People saw me as open, honest, transparent and real.

As a young, twenty something preacher, I was traveling the world preaching on three continents, receiving rave reviews and believing those reviews. Like Jacob, I didn’t really need God all that much. I was successful using my own God given talents and abilities.

At this point the story gets a little interesting.  When I used to preach on this passage my sermon title was “Mom, God cheated!” Here is what happens: a mysterious man shows up and begins wrestling with Jacob. They wrestle the rest of the night and the man finds out that he can’t win. So he cheats. He puts Jacob’s hip out of joint. How that must have hurt! Jacob can’t pivot anymore, so all he is left with is to grab hold and not let go. The man can’t get free. “Let go of me!” he cries. Jacob says, “No! I won’t let go unless you bless me!” Then there is this non-sequitor, “What is your name?” the man asks. And for the first time we hear Jacob utter his own name, “I am Jacob.” Uttering those words he acknowledges who he is: “I am a manipulative politician, who spins things to his own advantage. I am a liar. I will do whatever it takes to gain advantage and position.”

Then the man says, “No, you are no longer that man. Now you will be called ‘Israel,’ someone who has wrestled with God and overcome.” Jews look to this story as the birthplace of their very name. They are people that have wrestled with God and overcame.

For me, as I read that story, I’m struck by the fact that God couldn’t win and so he cheated. He made it so that Jacob was broken and weak. St. Paul, who wrote much of our New Testament revealed a similar issue. He says that he asked God to remove an unnamed “thorn in his flesh” three times and God refused.

I relate. On one hand, I had the world by the tail. I was preaching around the world; people were meeting Jesus through my preaching and events. I was hanging with the “in crowd” of Christianity. I was going to the right meetings and participating in the right events. I was speaking on the radio, and then I was having inappropriate relationships with women, all the while believing a lie that since I wasn’t having intercourse with them I was not really having sex. I created a complete double life. No one, and I mean no one, knew what I was doing, and I couldn’t stop. Lots of people don’t see it this way, but this was my hip being out of place. It was my addiction. It was my idol that I was powerless to release. And it was increasing its power over me.

In the Jacob story Jacob is completely handicapped. For me it was the same way. When my behavior escalated to the place that it was clear to even me that I committed adultery and betrayed your Mom, I went to some pastor friends.  As far as I was concerned, I was done. I couldn’t pastor anymore. I needed these friends’ help to get out. For whatever reason they didn’t let me off the hook. They told me to keep going, stop the behavior, and made me promise that if your Mom asked
any questions I would answer them truthfully.

At this point it felt as if God left the room. My prayers seemed to be bouncing off the ceiling. I knew I was damned. My view of God was so screwed up I tried to cut a deal with him. “I know, God that I’m done and am probably eternally damned. I will keep proclaiming you though if you promise to
save my kids.” I begged, and pleaded, not for my life. It was over, but for yours.

You need to understand that my view of God was completely messed up at this point, but it was all I had. For two years I held on unable to wrestle anymore. I was beaten, damned and out of the game. I hung on in a desperate attempt to manipulate God into saving you.

Then your Mom asked the questions. I gave the answers and my friends, the pastors who had told me to keep going when I was asking them to help me out, turned on me and kicked me mercilessly to the curb. Montavilla Baptist Church read out a list of my sins from the pulpit on a Sunday morning. I became persona non-grata. My bishop, part of the original discussion in ’97 denied knowledge of the depth of my depravity. I resigned all my ministerial positions. And found out who loved me. The list wasn’t very long at all.

I did not know it, but God was asking me, “What is your name?” I had to come clean, and for the first time I did: “I am an addict, powerless and out of control. I have hurt everyone I ever cared about. My life has become unmanageable and I am incapable of change.”

God wasn’t done ripping at the foundations of my idolatry though. My counselor had me read a book by Jeffrey VanVonderen, Tired of Trying to Measure Up. 
While reading it, I saw that he had written another book entitled, The Subtle Power of Spiritual Abuse.
I picked this up to read so I could point my finger at my former bishop and the pastor at Montavilla who had so clearly abused me. Instead of getting to point my finger at them though, I found God pointing his finger at me. Not only was I an addict – the lowest of the low, I was a spiritual abuser.

That realization spun me out so hard I ended up in rehab where even the drug addicts looked down their noses at us. God asked the question, “What is your name?” and I began to be able to answer. And in answering the question I find the blessing. 

So if God is all those things, why evil?

There is a question that I have no good answer to. I need to acknowledge that fact here. I’m stymied by it. Some of the best classroom and roundtable discussions in my college and seminary career adressed it. And no one has satisfactorily answered it for me, and partially because of it, I’ve stopped trying to argue that my theological position is the right one. I believe it is, but I don’t know it is. I live as if it is. But this question throws a monkey wrench into the works and it doesn’t make sense.

It is the question of evil. There are many different ways to ask the question. For me, the way I need to ask it is: “If God is all that was, and God is good, and nothing is that wasn’t created by him, where did selfishness and sin come from?”

Traditional theology teaches (and quite honestly I have not done much in depth study of these things) that before God created the universe and all that is in it, He created the angels. At some point Lucifer, an arch angel,  decided he wanted to be God and he and those he could rally behind him were beaten by God and cast out of heaven. They are who people traditionally refer to as “Satan” and the demons. The biblical story has him being the one who tempts Adam and Eve to rebel against God.

With that framework, we understand that we were made with freewill and God used Satan to tempt us so that ultimately we would choose Him rather than our selfish desires which are defined as being evil. This is further complicated by the biblical testimony of Isaiah who writes, “I create the light and make the darkness. I send good times and bad times. I, the LORD, am the one who does these things.” (Is 45:7) The King James Bible translates it this way: “I form the light, and create darkness: I make peace, and create evil: I the LORD do all these [things].”

Those are some pretty heavy words. One of my high school teachers first pointed them out to me and I have not been able to get away from them since. So I will return the favour and give them to you.

Given the ultimate question is without answer let's look at some of the present day issues: When there is a disease like AID’s that is primarily – but not wholly – caused by choices we make that run counter to the way God created us to behave, it is no wonder that things go wrong. Let me ask a simple question: “If all people chose to be completely monogamous, having only one sexual partner for all of their lives, what would happen to this most deadly of diseases? And how sexy is that? No one but your spouse ever sees you naked and no one but you ever sees your spouse naked. That has to be pretty extremely sexy. (But that is another topic altogether)

My left wing friends don’t like that statement of fact but it is absolutely true. Let’s talk about heart disease. If we stopped being gluttonous and eating the crap we do, how would it affect the heart disease rates? Let’s talk about diabetes. What would happen if w became more active and less lethargic as a nation, eating better and moving away from our sloth. Do you think it might have an
effect on diabetes as a disease. We can go down a whole list of diseases and see that if we simply lived more in line with how God asked us to live we wouldn't face many of the diseases we do to the extent that we do.

While these changes wouldn’t eradicate disease, it would sure put a dent in them. So there is a partial explanation for a partial problem. We haven’t gotten to hurricanes, earthquakes, tornados, tsunamis and the like. Natural disasters occur all the time. They are becoming more frequent. Some environmentalists add many weather related disasters to the list above and talk about how our choices to burn fossil fuels are fueling the drastic weather patterns and severe weather we are experiencing. They may be partially right but even those changes don’t explain the earthquakes and the tsunamis that are the result of them. Calamity seems to strike without warning. People die daily from natural disasters that seem wholly unnatural. Where does this evil come from? Why does God allow it? Why did God create it?

Those are the macro-disasters -- the katrina's and Sandy's --What do you say to your friend that has just been beaten up by their parents, or raped by their boyfriend, or their boyfriend’s friends? What do you say to the class reject that can’t go through a day without being taunted for any number of things that may or may not be in their control? What do you say to the imigrant who feels friendless and completely lost, not understanding the culture or the language of their new home? WHat do you say to the wife whose husband betrays her. Or the husband who watches the woman he loves fall into a hole of addiction and pain?

The immediate answer is: I don’t know. Many blame free will. Some blame god’s judgment, though you will see I didn’t even capitalize “god” in this instance, because those people cannot be worshipping the Christian God of the New Testament, who  no longer sees our sin because of the cross. (See my last post.) They must be worshipping some other god.

You see the problems here. I wish I had answers to give you. I only can tell you what I have experienced and what has worked for me as I live in this broken, messed up world. It may or may not be true. But I need to live as if it is to make sense of things.

That will be my next post…