Hey guys,
I was pondering what it meant to be a Dad. Though you don't know, I have some ongoing health problems that for the time need to go unaddressed, and recently I laid my bike down in the middle of a crazy intersection. Every once and awhile I worry that my journey with you may be drawing to a close.
I am not going to be around this current world forever for you guys. Please know that you are the reason I get up every morning. There is no other good earthly reason to do so. You are the reason God keeps me here. If I have my druthers, I will live happily with you to see you married, with families and friends -- settled into your life here before crossing over to see my Mom and Dad and my King -- The Crucified Risen One. That choice is not mine, however, and so I decided to prepare for an eventuality that I may not want but may be given -- an earlier than expected reunion with Gramgee and Papa.
I live pretty fearlessly because I know that the King of all things holds my life in His hands and I know that I can trust Him. You can too. Having said that, He doesn't always think that our timetable is what is best for us or for those we love and so He has a tendency to change things up.
With that in mind, I realized that there are some things I really want you to get a hold of and I don't expect you to do so right now. Some things won't matter to you until later. That is simply the way life is. On top of that, some parts of my story and thinking need to be a little more permanent than a passing conversation. (Though, if you guys are like me, you will remember a lot of those conversations for lots of years.)
I often wish that my Dad wrote down the wisdom he verbally imparted to me. He had a way of putting words together that simply made sense, and pointed to wisdom. Though I know, that not all that I say in these posts (And they will be identified for you) will matter to you right now (and that is totally OK), I pray that as time passes and you will want to read what your old man said and you blew off for the time being. For though I don't know a lot anymore, that which I do know, I believe deeply because it has changed my life.
When you see one of these posts you won't know whether you will be getting a bibliography for later in life, a song list, my understanding of the words we speak that have come to mean nothing, fragments of how I remember my story, or instructions for what I'd like at my memorial service, etc...
What you will know is that these posts are meant for you and are written carefully, with my whole heart because I love you and want you to live faithfully, lovingly, hopefully, submissively, gracefully, powerfully, joyfully, honestly, intimately, and courageously. I pray you will find friends like mine who have loved me through my unfaithfulness, walked with me through the valley of the shadow of death, never faltering in their love and truth-telling. I pray that you will find partners in life that will offer you as much grace and love as you offer them. So that you can walk together in faithful hope. If I repeat myself, telling you again, things that you have heard me say, please forgive me. I say them again because they are important. I'm trying to write to Maggie, because I know Thomas will understand if Maggie does, but that the reverse is not always true.
So lets start:
When I went to be the interim pastor at Grass Valley a long time ago (Your Mom & I were still married at that time.) I purposely began a sermon series in the morning in Genesis (the first book in the Bible) and in the evenings began teaching through Revelation (the last book in the Bible, and perhaps the most widely misunderstood and misused book in the Bible)
There was a reason for that, Genesis helps us understand the world in which we live and Revelation points us toward the world we will live in -- the world we hope for. We need both. We have to understand our context (the world we were dropped into) and our destination (where we are going). If we know these things the journey we take is easier.
So already I need to interupt myself... The idea of a journey is one way (there are a lot more) to look at this life we live. I often view it as a hike. Some of it is beautiful some of it is hard. Sometimes I walk with blisters in cold slush and sleet. And sometimes I stop to play in a sunny pool; diving off the rocks into cool water underneath magnificent waterfalls in the heat of the day.
A long time ago a mentor made a bunch of us write our epitaphs (what we want on our grave stones when we die) After a lot of thought, I ended up with: "A Rebel for the Kingdom". I pray that when all is said and done that is what you will honestly say about your Dad -- that I lived my life as a rebel for the Kingdom of God -- often living against the grain; calling people to live a life of love and grace that goes against all this world calls us to. So often I fail but still I press on.
This journey is fraught with a lot of negatives -- more than positives I fear. It is not an easy path. It is probably even a foolish path, but for me it is a path of redemption and grace. When I get done I will limp to the Gates of Heaven, look up and say, "Though I failed, You won because of me. Thanks for letting me fight for grace. Thanks for the grace that you gave me. Thanks for the new life, the hope and joy." Then I will rush to fall at my King's feet and worship side by side with Gramgee and Papa. I'll be home, a rebel no more, done with the fight ready for the peace so freely given.
I try to live with the end in view. If I know what my goals are, I live differently to achieve those goals. You will need to do the same.
Mags, to make it to UCSB you are willing to do things I never thought you'd do -- early morning practices, time off for healing, listening to your coach -- a lot of hard work, to achieve your goal. This is you living with the end in view. At times you will fail. But you keep working toward where you want to get. So I'm going to ask you now, "When it is time for your kids to write something on your grave stone, what will you want to say about you?"
Don't completely answer that yet. You aren't ready. Simply begin thinking and praying about it. You are still in the time of life where you are discovering what you want. Enjoy it, have fun. Grow and learn. You will need to answer this question -- probably after college, and before you get married. Very few expect you to know the answer right now. You will know when you are supposed to know. You have time to think and pray about this. Please do so.
I've written more than I intended here, so I will hold off and save some for next time, when I will get back to the story... There is so much more to say.
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