Many of us felt inadequate, unworthy, alone and
afraid. Our insides never matched what we saw on the outsides of others.***
Early on,
we came to feel disconnected. We tuned out our fear and pain through any number of
idolatrous diversions: food, fantasy, perceived control, a relationship, sex, alcohol, drugs, work, media; anything
that could keep us from facing ourselves or God.
We ran to
our idols looking for something… anything that could speak to our souls. We did
not like the way God was providing our world to us and so we demanded a
different one, which He seemed unwilling to provide. We found relief in our
idols when God refused to give us what we demanded. Our idols seemed much better. We
could control them.
The only way we knew to stop the pain was to look to our idols to
provide for us what only the Trinity could provide. We asked people to fill a
void in our lives that they could not possibly fill. In so doing, we alienated
them and pushed them away even as we cried for them to come closer. Progressively
we moved farther away from our Creator and his creation, destroying any chance of
healing, freedom and real life.
Our idols
produced guilt, self-hatred, remorse, emptiness and pain, and yet we knew we
would die without them. Our idolatry led to addiction. We were stuck and we were dying. We found ourselves
driven inward, into a virtual reality of our own making, away from reality, and
away from love. We were lost inside of ourselves, isolated, and alone.
Our self absorption made real connections and intimacy impossible. We never knew true union with the Real, or any of His creation because we clung to the unreal. We craved control, adrenalin, safety, chemistry, and / or freedom from pain, fear and control of others. We created virtual ‘unreal’ worlds that existed in our minds and online, and they corrupted the real world God had made. The powerless, selfish “I” killed love. And we found ourselves falling off the edge into isolating, unmanageable insanity.
***1st paragraph borrowed verbatim from the White Book, Roy K.
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