Promises

We admitted we were powerless and that our lives had become unmanageable -- step 1

Note: This is the first installment on the steps. I found that I could not complete one step in one post and so we will see how it unfolds as I write...

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“We” – it is a fearfully wonderful word. It is the first word of the first step; often the first word an addict/alcoholic walking into their first meeting might hear from the old timer who greets them: “We’ve all been there… we’ve found… etc…”

“We” is a fearful word for the addict/alcoholic. There is no “we” in the practicing alcoholic/addict’s life. There is only “I.” Indeed, there can’t be a “we” for the addict lives much to most of his life in a world of his own construction that only exists between his own ears. The unreal world that the addiction grants him is preferable to him than the real world he inhabits physically. When one never allows anyone to know them, they cannot be loved; there cannot be “we.” Recovery starts with the promise that our only hope starts with “We.” One of the first things anyone hears is that they never have to do anything alone again.

“We” is a wonderful word to the addict / alcoholic. Everyone who has ever lived needs real connection with another. Often it is the absence of real connection that leads to the addiction in the first place. The addiction gives the illusion of being a real connection; or at least a passable substitute. “We” is what everyone wants, but not at the cost it extracts. “We” takes a lot of work. “We” starts here with this first faltering step toward God and his creation.  

By taking the first step the recovering addict begins to discover the truth and power of the statement that “We never have to do anything alone ever again.” In the fellowship he discovers that he is loved in spite of himself. In fact, he discovers that acknowledgment of his shortcomings only seems to provide him more love from others that recognize their own story in the story he is telling. “We” mysteriously and powerfully comes into view. And with “we” comes hope.

“We admitted…”is something no one seems to do well naturally. An ancient Hebrew story is told that speaks to this whole topic.

A young man has a promise of God’s blessing. Yet his whole life he tried to achieve the promise in his own power. He does well but alienates nearly everyone in the process to the point that his own brother wants him dead.  He was known as “ the manipulator.”

As with all things, he ran out of space to maneuver. He hid his family away to protect them and was left alone where G-d came and wrestled with him. But G-d couldn’t beat him and so G-d, being G-d, injured his hip so he couldn’t wrestle anymore. But still His stubborn creation wouldn’t let go.

“Let go of me!” God commanded.

“I won’t let go until you bless me!” the man contended.

“Who are you?” God asked.

“I am the manipulator!” the man exclaimed.

“You are no longer the manipulator but the one who has wrestled with God and overcome,” God proclaimed.

Until he acknowledged, admitted, confessed, came clean, and owned up to who he was he couldn’t become anyone else.  That is the reality of our world. Addict/alcoholics spend much of their lives running from who they are scared that they are. Until they can admit who they are God can’t change them.

In this instance, what is true for the addict is also true for all mankind. The person that thinks they are “pretty good” with only minor faults, may feel the need for a therapist but certainly not a Great Physician. The humanist is convinced that they can heal themselves. They can’t admit the depths of their own imperfection and their powerlessness to deal with it themselves.

Imagine two glasses. One is filled with the purest water and the other with two-day old urine.  If I pour a little of the pure water into the glass with urine it doesn’t purify the urine, even if I stir it in really well. In the same way, if I pour a little of the urine into the pure water and stir it in really well, no thinking person would want to drink it either. It is not that it is mostly bad. It is not. It is simply that the impurities have defiled all the good. It is not safe to drink.

Until we can admit that we aren’t God and we aren’t as strong as we think we are; that we can’t make it work on our own. We have not taken the first step back toward God.

The end of step 1 is soon to be published. Please pardon the delays. For some reason, these are harder for me to write.

Fear

Recently I posted to Facebook that I was beginning to think through issues of "fear" in the evangelical "syntality" or personality of a group. I got some responses that were helpful in getting me going. One of my former students asked why it came up.

In my email back to her I responded that it came up because my experience has historically been a fearful one. I believe that my fear led to my being spiritually abusive and an arrogant prick.

I am grateful that life fell apart and I had to take a long look. Now, nearly a decade away from my previous life as "pastor" and experiencing another pastor's own abusive tendencies (I can spot it cause I got it), I'm beginning to think that the problem runs deep.

While I have no real experience with Islamic fundamentalism, I have a lot of experience with Christian fundamentalism, and one has to be blind not to see the parallels. Both feed off of hunger. Both motivate people from a position of fear.

I believe that there is very little love in fear. I used to say that fear was love's opposite, but became convinced that indifference holds that position. And while fear may not be it's opposite it is perhaps its greatest obstacle. Or maybe, I should say, love is fear's biggest obstacle.

Only love, has enabled me to get past my own fear. Some of the reason this is coming up right now is that I heard some teaching on 1 Corinthians 13 and then taught on 1 Corinthians 13 being the way we live out Is 49.

Being a lover is such a better place to live than being an object of fear. Fear brings only death and destruction. Love brings faith, hope, and life.

Anyway. I have much thinking, reading, and writing to do on this whole subject. I am going to be interested to see what comes out the other side.

Judasizers

I've been reading Walter Wangerin's book, Jesus. I self righteously told myself that I had the gospels so I avoided it for a long time. I had no need of a fresh take on Jesus by Lutheran pastor from the Midwest. I was wrong. I love everything Wangerin has written. This story of Jesus is no exception. I am seeing Scripture in new ways and am seeing things I never saw in the Jesus story before, like Judas…

Judas is not one of the characters in Scripture with whom I could easily identify – until now. He thought Jesus was the answer to everyone's problems. He knew Jesus was going to put right all the wrongs and in the process make Judas somebody special. He knew exactly what he expected from Jesus, and when Jesus let him down, he turned on him.

Recently, I've been thinking about all the people that prayed a prayer, called themselves Christians, and then decided it was all a farce. I could easily have been one of them. My brother is. When Jesus doesn't come through for us we go away sad and even deny his existence. I demand Jesus be who I want him to be. I want him to be this friend that I talk about having a personal relationship with, and then when "he doesn't come through" or "seem to" we jump to the conclusion that he must not exist at all and we slide toward atheism. We become Judasizers.

When I was on staff with InterVarsity Christian Fellowship, was being courted to join the ALP, was traveling the world preaching, and generally was "making it" by being a professional Christian, I knew that there had to be more. I traveled to Chicago to visit a friend who I knew received "pictures" from God. He'd already received one word of knowledge for me, I wanted more. I knew that there had to be more. At one point, riding with a very successful college pastor friend across Portland I said to him, "So when are we going to tell them that everything we have been teaching them is a lie?" Without missing a beat he said, "Sshh, we're not supposed to tell." In moments of honesty many in our profession knew that the reality of what they taught never met the reality of what we lived. That seemed dishonest to me and I wanted more. I was a Judasizer. I wanted God to meet my expectations. I wanted my Christianity to "work for me".

On the wake of my divorce, my therapist, himself a pastor, said to me, "Do you know why you were such a great evangelist? … You desperately needed to see people experience that which you wanted to believe was true."

It is seven years later… I'm a nobody by the church's standards. Few pastors want anything to do with the likes of me. I am tolerated in their congregations. I seem to be a pariah to my former colleagues and friends. It is as if they are afraid my sin might be contagious.

And God is my everything. The experience I was willing to travel three hours by car to try to catch is settling on me. Everything I wanted and more is mine. God has made me content. I am somewhere on this journey of discovery of the Immanently Transcendent One. The more I get to see the less I know and that's just fine.

I do know this though. Jesus is the transforming one. He gets really upset and really jealous. He doesn't like it when I try to fit him into my plans rather than trying to fit into his. He wants a lot of my attention. He can't seem to get enough. He doesn't buy the fact that he is there for me. He wants me to be there for him. When he doesn't get enough attention he mopes, at least it feels that way. Jesus moping is a pain in the butt. It doesn't end up working for me.

Maybe there is more of me in Judas than I care to admit. I think I'll keep trying to emulate Peter instead.

Catching Up...

Time is flying. We are less than 2 months from our wedding. Currently Dad, Shell, Sam and I are sharing the under construction house with two dogs, and two cats who are still growing accustomed to one another... We have construction workers both traipsing through the house to finish the attic and make it livable and climbing ladders on the outside of the house to complete tearing off old siding and replace it with new. Old windows have been replaced and we've chosen a new colour to paint the house. In February, if all the permits go through we all have to move out and take all the furniture with us so that they can tie the addition to the existing structure, completely re-wire and re-plumb the house. When it is completed, this old home worth $505,000 right now will shoot up in value to near double that. Over 2000 square feet will be added, and Dad will have a bedroom and bathroom on one floor with the kitchen; the basement will be a fully furnished apartment we can rent and the master bedroom will have a brand new look. There is so much to look forward to and so much chaos right now.

Shell is living out of boxes. Sam is staying in Maggie's room with the two cats. We got rid of a lot of stuff but a dumpster is rapidly filling up with more... There are points that we throw up our hands in despair and there are points were Michelle has broken down in tears and Sam in fits of anger. This is not an easy time... 

Into this craziness we scheduled a Marriage Preparation weekend up at Barnabas Landing (where the kids and I go for family camp each summer). What a blessing. There were 8 couples attending. Shell and I were the oldest. The weekend was led by Paddy and Carol Ducklow.

Though there was not a lot of new information presented. We covered communication, conflict, sex, and covenants, we were given new tools, worked on a joint geno-gram, created some goals and some benchmarks for ourselves. Barnabas is remote enough that cell phones don't work. There is no TV and no wireless. We walked and talked. We sat in a hot tub and talked. We sat and talked. We prayed, and dreamed together, we took a much needed time out to refocus on what God is calling us to. We needed that. Already we are talking about going to their marriage refreshment weekend next November. (They do 1 marriage prep and 1 marriage refreshment each fall and each spring.) It is worth the 7 hour drive. It actually helped give us even more time to talk and debrief.

Thanks Barnabas...

Thinking About Tomorrow

One of the rules I try to live by is to only ask God for the knowledge of His will for me and the power to carry it out. Practically speaking this means that I try not to tell God what He ought to be doing but rather spend time listening for Him to tell me what I ought to be doing. Practically speaking it means that I look only to do the next right thing instead of worrying about all the things I could be doing. There is only one I should be doing and it is whatever is before me to do. OK, it is not quite that simple, but it comes close.

I firmly believe that the biggest enemy of the “Best” is the “Good”. I tend to complicate things by getting caught up in the good and forgetting the best. In this day and age it isn’t only the good that is the enemy, it is the mediocre.

I was pretty sure I knew before this trip where I was heading and what the next right thing was. I knew and still know that I am supposed to get a counseling degree and find a small group of people to minister alongside. But life is rarely that simple…

India confuses things for me. It doesn’t change what I know I need to be moving toward, though it may change the timetable. But it certainly adds to it. I am good at raising money for causes I believe in. I can ask people to pull out their wallets with little or no difficulty if I truly believe that in so doing people will be blessed, and they will be helped. With 600 million people living on less than $2 a day in India alone, it gets pretty easy for me to start mobilizing relief, not only for India, but other parts of the world who suffer in similar ways. This is something I need to do. I cannot touch 600 million lives but I can make a difference in the lives a few and I must.

So now the question is how does this fit with the direction I am already traveling? I wanted to minister among recovering addicts. Is there a way that their 12^th step which traditionally has meant taking the message to another suffering addict could be expanded to taking a message of hope and tangible relief to 600 million starving people. (The UN says that number worldwide will go over 850 million by 2020.) Can you imagine that, 850 million starving people? And I have the nerve to stuff Big Macs in my mouth like there is no tomorrow. Sometimes I make myself sick.

So now, as I begin thinking of home… As I begin pondering what comes next, especially in light of my need to move to another school for my studies, I have some thinking and praying to do. I need the courage to pray and wait to see what comes next. Then I need the courage, strength and perseverance to see it through, so maybe that number is slightly less than 850 million. It is going to be an interesting run.

Questions About Therapy

Please read the following in against the background that I am studying to be a counselor, and that a therapist helped save my life...